I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
