if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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