I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
