those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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