I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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