Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You have to summon your inner elephant
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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