well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
