Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
