i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
