Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
