my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
