I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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