No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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