i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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