i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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