Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
