took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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