someone threw a dead crab at me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
