Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
