I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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