wanna go halves on a baby?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
