just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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