my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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