P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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