I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
COCAINE IS GR8
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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