I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
