So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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