I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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