Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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