I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
