When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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