HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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