I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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