Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
