his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
