One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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