Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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