It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
