the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
