East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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