Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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