this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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