It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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