i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
