If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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