Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
