Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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