just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
