And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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