OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
