I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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