I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
